I’ve spent the better part of the past two weeks holding my breath (figuratively, not literally), waiting for a phone call that hasn’t come. People claim that no news is good news, but I’m going to go ahead and say that whoever came up with that saying had no idea what the hell they were talking about. Especially when the news on which you’re waiting has the potential to drastically alter your life. (I really wanted to say “ruin” but my emotions have a tendency to be overly dramatic, as of late. Look at me, being all self-realized and stuff.)
In attempts to avoid going crazy, I’ve been using Google to convince myself that the symptoms are a direct result of vitamin B12 deficiency, and have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I used to love sniffing gasoline as a kid. But since Google doesn’t have it’s medical license, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around what could be happening within the confines of my circulatory system. Would they really put me through all of these tests if it was as simple as a B12 deficiency? Why didn’t they test for that? Or did they? And why didn’t they warn me about the fact that the hematologist was going to come in and feel up the swollen glands in my armpits and pelvic region? I MEAN SERIOUSLY. That kind of thing needs to come with a warning. Same goes for tiny humans.
While we’re on the subject, I think it’s important to inform future hospital goers that harassing the medical laboratory scientists, until they release the results to your doctor, doesn’t make them run your tests any faster. Nor does bribing them with cookies, money or marijuana. Ok, so I never actually bribed them with marijuana. But if they’re stupid enough to pass up HOMEMADE COOKIES, I think it’s safe to say they’d pass on the ganja, too (I say that like I know what I’m talking about, I have no idea). All I’m saying is, don’t waste your time – you’ll just end up looking like a fool. Especially when they realize your parents misspelled Ashley back in 1988. WAIT. Someone purposely spelled your name like this? Yes, my parents are assholes.
Just kidding. Kind of.
So we’re waiting. And hoping and praying and begging the Universe to send some good news our way. Meanwhile, I’m eating my weight in homemade tortilla chips and guacamole. It’s good for the soul, and good for gaining 10 pounds, too.
If you’re like us, you’re no stranger to buying those $1 bags of off-brand tortilla chips (at the rate Thom goes through them, it’s all we can afford). But lately, I’ve been a tortilla chip snob and have only allowed the authentic variety in our pantry. Except at $5 a bag, I figured why not make our own? They’re healthier (read: not fried in oil) and fresh. Super duper fresh. And wildly addictive. Yes, that’s a warning.
BAKED TORTILLA CHIPS
12 6″ sprouted corn tortillas
1/4 cup sunflower oil
1 tbsp fine sea salt
Juice of one lime, optional
Preheat oven to 350˚F. Line two large baking sheets with parchment paper; set aside. Brush each tortilla (both sides) with the oil, then cut into eight triangles. Line the triangles on the prepared baking sheets; sprinkle with salt and lime juice, if using. Bake at 350˚F for 4 minutes, then rotate baking sheets and bake for an additional 4-5 minutes. Remove from oven and immideately transfer to a plate lined with a couple layers of paper towels (this will absorb any excess oil). Serve with salsa or guacamole, or enjoy them as is.
Yield: 96 chips