Wake up at 4:16AM, go back to sleep. Wake up exactly 45 minutes later, roll over and accidentally knee Thom in the ribcage. Don’t apologize because he’s asleep and what difference would it make, anyway? Scoot a little closer. Get out of bed before he realizes you just dug your bony knees into his ribcage on purpose. And didn’t apologize. Strip off your pajamas on your way out. Redress while simultaneously searching for your running shoes in the dark. Find them with your nose because they smell that bad. It’s a shame your watch doesn’t stink, too. Leave without it. Who cares about timing splits, anyway? Kiss Thom before you leave. Hurry down six flights of stairs and emerge into the stillness of the early morning. Make a mental note to run at 5AM more often. Head for the trail. Turn around when you realize there’s a cluster of homebums smoking on the ramp. Head for the highlands, up half mile hills and sidewalks that needed repairing last summer. Run fast and hard. Flip off the Porche driving douche bag who tried to roll through a stop sign at 6AM because he thinks he’s the only one awake at this hour and HEY ASSWAD! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M WORKING ON MY FITNESS? Like Fergie. Remove douche bag from your vocabulary. And while you’re at it, use the word fuck less often. Head for the finish line. Which also happens to be the entrance to your building. Jog in place until your heart rate lowers. Momentarily forget the passcode and then remember it’s the last four digits of your phone number.
Wait much too long for the elevator at 6AM. SERIOUSLY, WTF? Roll your eyes at the man who gets off, with an enormous dog, because what kind of selfish prick keeps an 80 pound canine in their downtown loft? Think about how maybe the douche bag Porche driver and prick with the big ass dog should be friends in real life. What happened to removing douche bag from your vocabulary? Off the elevator. Burpee hop down the hall if you want a treat. Walk through the front door, kick off you shoes and refuse to believe that unpleasant stench is radiating from your lowest of extremities. (Sadly, it is.) Pull an ice cream cone from the fridge, dig in and think to yourself:
Today is going to be awesome.
Notes: If you’re really into the flavor of graham crackers, I recommend skipping the mix-ins and just savoring the grahammy goodness. As for the mix-ins, you can add as much or as little as you prefer. I like chunky ice cream so I went kind of heavy on everything. I found the vegan graham crackers at Whole Foods but many other stores have off brand names that are plain and vegan. Also, I used the full sheets (four crackers per sheet). The xanthan gum is optional, but will prevent the formation of ice crystals – so I highly recommend it. You can also substitute one tablespoon of potato starch if you don’t have xanthan gum on hand. If you can get your hand on some vegan marshmallow cream, stir that into the base instead of the graham cracker crumbs – you won’t be sorry. If you don’t have an ice cream maker, follow these instructions via David Lebovitz.
S’MORES ICE CREAM
4 plain graham crackers
3 1/2 cups full fat coconut milk (2 cans)
1/4 cup cane sugar
2 tsp pure vanilla extract
1/4 tsp xanthan gum, optional
3 plain graham crackers, broken into pieces
1/2 cup vegan marshmallows, chopped
1/4 cup good quality dark chocolate chunks, coarsely chopped
In a food processor fitted with the S blade, blend the graham crackers into a fine meal; set aside. Add the coconut milk to a large saucepan set over medium heat. Whisk in the sugar, vanilla extract, and xanthan gum (if using). Bring to a boil, cook for one minute, then remove from heat and whisk in the graham cracker crumbs. Transfer mixture to a large bowl and let cool on the counter for 30 minutes. Cover with plastic wrap so that the wrap is touching the ice cream mixture – this will ensure a skin doesn’t form. Refrigerate until cool, 2-3 hours.
Once chilled, pour the mixture into the bowl of your ice cream machine and mix according to the manufacturer’s instructions. After 20 minutes, add the graham cracker pieces, marshmallows, and chocolate chunks and let the ice cream maker work it’s magic. Eat ice cream immideately (it will be somewhat soft) or transfer to a container and freeze until ready to consume. Thaw for 10-15 minutes before serving. Top with crushed graham crackers (or all of the mix ins) if desired.
For the fancy sugar cone cones, melt 1/2 cup of chocolate chunks and 2 teaspoons of coconut oil in a double boiler over medium heat. Dip each cone then roll in crushed graham crackers. Should be enough for 12 cones. Chill for 10 minutes.
*Instead of storing the ice cream in a container, I scooped all of the leftovers into the cones, froze them standing upright (for one hour), then individually wrapped each cone in parchment paper and stored them in a freezer safe container. Let them thaw for about 20 minutes and you’ll be golden.
Yield: about 1 quart